Have you ever had a day that started badly, and just got worse? Maybe you dropped a glass in the kitchen, which led to you leaving for work a few minutes late, which meant you got stuck behind a school bus and sat in worse traffic, so you were late to your first meeting of the day, which led to you interpreting every comment about you as judgement, which then had you questioning your job and your future in the organization…
That exact sequence of events might not be yours, but you’ve probably had a somewhat similar “If you give a mouse a cookie” sequence of events. And so have people on your team. Negative spirals like the one above compound over time, and can lead to people leaving organizations, only to find that they experience the same negative spirals elsewhere – all of which can solidify over time into the feeling that they’re the problem (“It’s me, hi – I’m the problem, it’s me“), with self-doubt, anxiety, and depression as possible consequences.
Occasionally, you may have also experienced one of those days where everything just seems to go right – things are easy, there’s no traffic, you bump into an old friend, work goes well, and you are on a high, feeling good about your life and your work.
But you can’t necessarily control how the day begins. Some days just start badly – and some continue badly, with circumstances beyond your control. So for yourself and for the members of your team, how can we help stop that negative spiral from having lasting impacts?
Greg Walton, professor of psychology at Stanford University and author of Ordinary Magic: The Science of How We Can Achieve Big Change with Small Acts, suggests that the difference between negative spirals and positive spirals starts with some core defining questions we each encounter at various points in our life: Who am I? Do I belong? Am I enough? Walton says these questions “help define you and your life: your sense of self, what relationships you’ll have, and whether you’ll be able to do and be the things you aspire to. There might be long stretches when you don’t think about a given question much because it’s settled for you then. But at critical junctures specific questions flare up, unsettle and preoccupy you. Then they begin to shape what you see and how you act.” If these questions are unaddressed, Walton argues, the tiny facts we encounter along the way (colleagues’ comments during a meeting, for example) map onto doubts we have, rather than onto a solid foundation of belonging.
Walton describes such moments as a “tifbit” – tiny fact, big theory. When something small happens, we interpret it based on our overarching theory about ourselves or the world around us. The tiny fact is then seen as supporting the theory, which only calcifies it further, when the fact may be entirely unrelated; a colleague’s comment is often more related to their own life experience than anything to do with you. (If this reminds you of Chris Argyris’ Ladder of Inference model, you’re onto something; that maps neatly onto Walton’s work.)
So how do we work to address some of these core defining questions to turn negative spirals into positive ones?
This Week’s Tip:
For yourself: Take some time to consciously consider the core defining questions of Who am I? Do I belong? Am I enough? In particular, look for pieces of evidence to support positive responses to each question. Intentionally list your strengths, your accomplishments, and your successes (if you get stuck, as a trusted friend or partner). Find ways to remind yourself of these as you go through your day, and notice if that changes your interpretation of the day.
For your team: Consider using what Walton calls “wise” interventions: graceful ways to offer people good answers to the questions that define our lives. Some examples: Walton ran a number of studies in different situations that are “wise” interventions: married couples went through a 21-minute reflective exercise on how they have handles conflict in the past, that improved their marriage a year later; kids released from juvenile detention were asked questions about what they would like teachers to know about them, and those that took part were significantly less likely to end up in jail; a series of postcards cut suicide rates in postcrisis patients by half over two years; an hour-long reflection on belonging in the first year of college improved life satisfaction and career success a decade later. Your wise intervention will be different, but the themes are building relationship, and helping them to know they belong and that they are respected.
If you would like some support in creating a wise intervention for you team, reach out to Building Bridges Leadership. We would welcome the chance to partner with you.
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