“And in the naked light I saw / Ten thousand people, maybe more / People talking without speaking / People hearing without listening / People writing songs that voices never share / No one dared disturb the sound of silence” – The Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel, written by Paul Simon
In turbulent times, the lyrics of The Sound of Silence (originally known as the plural The Sounds of Silence) often resurface as a call to protest – a reminder that voices that remain silent don’t affect change or stand against darkness, and those with power who remain silent in the face of evil are in essence complicit. The song is often remembered as a Vietnam War-era anthem, but the song was actually written and performed in 1963, a few months before President John F. Kennedy’s assassination. But Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel have both discussed the song as more personal. Garfunkel, introducing the song with Simon at a 1966 concert, described the lyrics as being about “the inability of people to communicate with each other, and not particularly internationally but especially emotionally, so that what you see around you is people who are unable to love each other.”
Silence is powerful. While it can take the place of communication in ways that are harmful, silence can also – when treated with respect – be used to invite new perspectives and encourage deeper understanding.
“What do you think we should do about this? Because I think we should…”; “How are you feeling about the next few months, because I’m feeling pretty good, and I’ll tell you why…”. If these kinds of conversations seem familiar, it’s because they happen frequently – a question is offered, immediately followed by the offer withdrawn, instead to be replaced with a comment. In working with coaching clients recently at the executive level, a common pattern has been discomfort with silence. Executives tend to be solution-oriented people, after all, so rather than ask a question and then give space for the other person to answer, a common tactic is to move forward quickly. But doing so robs the other person of their chance to actually respond, or share their perspectives/thoughts/ideas. And their ideas are much more likely to stick, and result in that person’s growth and development, if they’re the one to articulate them, even if the ideas are exactly the same as you would have shared yourself.
Of course, some of this is simply a matter of discomfort. It can be uncomfortable to sit in silence with someone during a conversation, even for ten seconds. It’s much more comfortable for many of us to fill the space and keep talking – but this results in less communication, and more directives. Some executives I’ve worked with recently have asked four entirely different questions before leaving a pause, leaving the other person needing to keep track of a full list in their head to sort through in order to have a productive conversation. They were all worthwhile questions, but addressed what was happening now, how it was affecting the other person, what the long-term goals were, and what next steps they wanted to see – too much for anyone to keep in their mind and have a thoughtful response, especially within a manager-employee power dynamic.
Asking a simple open-ended question, and then sitting while the other person thinks through their answer, can be very powerful for a manager – and, in fact, for anyone. And the use of the pause can open some very productive conversations. If there’s an elephant in the room to discuss (say, something that the direct report did that was ineffective or problematic), asking the other person a general open-ended question and then offering space will often result in them being the first person to bring it up. If they’re the one to bring it up – and especially if you ask them for their ideas on next steps – they’ll be more invested in a successful resolution, and feel more empowered when that resolution is reached.
In group facilitation, the common tip is to ask a question and then allow 17 seconds of silence – long enough that it might feel deeply uncomfortable for you as the leader, but time for the people who are internal processors to think through their response, and feel ready to answer. Since learning that tip, I have found that someone always responds before I finish counting to 17 in my head. The trick, which applies to 1-on-1 conversations too, is to feel confident in your question – so having some general open-ended questions that are reliable to elicit a response can make all the difference – questions like: “What’s on your mind right now?”; “As you think about [x project or event], what’s coming to mind that you’d like to talk about?”; “What strikes you about [x]?”; and “Tell me about how [x] is going for you.”
How can the Sound of Silence be helpful for you this week?
This Week’s Tip:
Practice asking one simple question and then pausing to allow silence. If you’re someone who finds yourself uncomfortable in silence, this might take some practice. Give yourself grace to make mistakes, but notice if you find yourself ‘needing’ to clarify, say more, or ask additional questions. Try limiting yourself to one question at a time, and leave ten seconds or so for the other person to respond. You might be surprised what you find out from them – and perhaps what you find out about yourself in the process!
Try this out this week, and let us know how it goes – we’d love to hear from you.
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Building Bridges Leadership 