You are Not Your Emails (and Neither is Anyone Else)

What forms of communication do you use most often at work? Email, phone, text? Or maybe one of the multitude of team messaging platforms that have proliferated in the last five years? Whatever you use, do you ever find yourself struggling to articulate your message in the way you want to? Do you spend a long time looking for the right words to say? Do you re-read your email five times before sending? Even if you don’t, you probably know someone who does – whether they say it or you can tell from their responses (or lack of response!).

There are certainly valid reasons to take this approach – if it is a particularly consequential message with lasting consequences, an HR-related matter, a publicity/marketing press release, etc. And for many people, spending extra time on the written word can be key – the podcast and video series Lessons in Dyslexia interviews CEOs and a wide variety of other leaders whose dyslexia has helped them think differently to be successful; many of them say that they generally don’t write much but when they do, they know to set aside double the time that their neurotypical colleagues need to do so.

The struggle to write an email how you want it to come across can be debilitating even for neurotypical people, though. Seeing an email as “important” can result in procrastinating, or rearranging priorities and putting off that particular message – I wonder if you can you relate? We all do that once in a while, and that can be for good reason. You may need time to let the message percolate in your own mind, to work through nuances, think about how it will land for others, and “kick the tires” on what it is you’re actually saying. But if you find you’re doing this on a regular basis, you may be conflating your messaging with your reputation. You might be concerned that how your email comes across will affect how the person on the other end sees you. And you may have had experiences where that belief has been reinforced, for better or worse.

This can be true with other forms of communication too. There is a pretty clear divide between people who will jump on the phone to quickly get something handled and people who will avoid speaking on the phone at all costs (which one are you?) – for some people, this is related.

Perhaps, too, you’ve received a work message that has had you reeling with worry or panic, or left you wondering what was going on with the sender, until further communication has given more context or nuance to what was being said. If so, what might have happened if that further communication had happened sooner? Or if we hadn’t climbed up the ladder of inference and jumped to conclusions based on that initial message?

While it would be nice to say we can all just pull ourselves together and cut that out, that’s both unrealistic and condescending. So what are some practical ideas we can use to impact our behavior?

This Week’s Tips:

1. Build in moments of recalibration. Build in a rhythm of check-ins beyond the written word. We’ve written before about Trevor Noah’s suggestion of a voice check-in once every four or so texts/written messages as a way to convey and understand tone, which often doesn’t come across clearly in the written word.
2. Treat the written word as only one part of your communication, not the be-all and end-all. Consider other forms of communication, and know that you are not your emails.
3. If you find yourself stuck in a loop of revising an email over and over again, set a timer. When the timer goes off, hit send. Sometimes an outside signal is helpful to snap us out of our own cycles.
4. Give grace to other people’s written words. I’m reminded regularly that none of us truly knows what is going on in another’s life; when you read an email or message that leaves you reeling, have grace, take deep breaths, and where possible, ask open-ended questions to seek understanding. Remain curious, not furious, and remember that just as you are not your emails, neither is anyone else.

Try these out this week, and let us know how it goes! We’d love to hear from you.

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