“Where Are You From, Where Are Your People From?”

When meeting someone for the first time – knowing that you’ll be working with them for a while – what are your go-to opening lines in conversation? Do you ask where they live, what they do for work, how has their day been so far…? I recently learned from some acquaintances who moved from the US to China a decade ago that a common starting point that they have observed, and participated in, during their time in China has been: “What do you do for work, and how much money do you make?” This opening, which seemed so invasive at first, has become routine for them now, even knowing it would cause offense in Western culture.

Last week I facilitated a program at Hale Education for emerging school and nonprofit leaders in the Perrone-Sizer Institute for Creative Leadership (PSi), an organization focused on racial justice and equity, artistic and design thinking, and mobilizing effective teams. The group had been meeting online prior to our program, but this was the first day of a 10-day in-person intensive program. The diverse cohort of 25+ leaders all came with their unique mix of experience and skills, including, of course, their own go-to conversation openers. One in particular – from a Black teacher on the principal certification track – felt generative, and a genuine attempt to move deeper, beyond the usual generic niceties; after greeting each other and sharing names, he would ask, “Where are you from, where are your people from?”

This was asked as one question, not two, and he asked it with a gentle tone which gave freedom for someone to respond however they chose, with no wrong answers. I was particularly interested in the responses of white people, who don’t typically face the “Where are you really from?” microaggressions faced by people of color on a regular basis (and I’m not discounting the notion that this teacher specifically made sure to ask this question of white people to challenge these microaggressions). I noticed that some people answered based on their current hometown, or where they grew up, while some skipped the location piece altogether and shared more about their family of origin and the microculture therein. Others, like myself, blended that family answer with some brief ancestry – mostly Scottish and English, with some Irish, French, and a little Scandinavian thrown in. He then shared a little of the same, and while we found we had no ancestry in common, the act of sharing with each other built a connection that we kept coming back to throughout the program.

Of course, the question “Where are your people from?” can be rife with power dynamics when asked of someone in a marginalized group by someone in a place of privilege. To be clear, I would not recommend that any white readers of this article start using this as a conversation starter – except with other white people as a generative exercise; it can be interesting to see the reactions people have! But the tone of this leader as he asked the question showed his true underlying intentions (at least as I interpreted them): 1. To treat each person as someone worth knowing on a deeper level; 2. To build an authentic connection; and 3. To help others to be present to their own roots and ancestral legacy.

I wonder if that is something we can each learn from, even if our questions sound different than his.

This Week’s Tip:

Consider switching up your go-to conversation openers in cases where you know this will be an ongoing relationship. Do you currently have questions that you fall back on? How well do they serve you and the other person? What might happen if you switched things up and tried some new topics of conversation? Consider some questions or topics of conversation that would meet these intentions:

1. To treat each person as someone worth knowing on a deeper level;
2. To build an authentic connection; and
3. To help others to be present to their own roots and ancestral legacy.

Try this out this week, and let us know how it goes! We’d love to hear from you.

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