How often are you involved in conversations about racism, marginalization, colonialism, and/or other issues related to race? Perhaps these are conversations about systemic issues, or perhaps they reflect personal lived experiences. Often these topics are not an explicit part of the conversation, they are under the surface – not necessarily unacknowledged, but unnamed nonetheless. Explicit conversations naming those uncomfortable topics aren’t quite as common, but in my line of work, they still happen on a daily basis.
A few times recently I’ve been in (majority people of color) groups of friends, where the conversation has gone deep into colonialism, systemic inequality, and institutionalized racism – prompted in part by the recent series of supreme court decisions on the use of race in the college admission process, student loan forgiveness, and discrimination in business.
As a white man (a minority in this situation) I try to listen a lot more than I talk when this happens. In one group, more than half the people were first- or second-generation immigrant families from countries that had been colonized by my own country of birth, Great Britain. The colonization, rape, murder, and enslavement of their people groups – by my own – leading to centuries of trauma and inequity, was confronting for me to hear. I found myself wanting to find ways to change the conversation to something else – How great it was to be together in person, in some cases after years! – but I felt a strong pull to stay in that conversation. This was not a theoretical or academic big data discussion – these were real, lived experiences of people sitting around a dinner table with me. This was a time to be confronted, not to find a way to avoid it.
Within Western culture I have the manufactured luxury of not having to think about my race and cultural history all the time; I can compartmentalize. As a straight, white, English-speaking, cisgender, able-bodied, middle class male, most of Western culture sees someone like me as the default; the norm from which all others deviate. This may not be true for you, but we all have aspects of our identity for which you would be considered the default. Hopefully, generations from now, the notion of the default will seem absurd, but in the meantime, how can this idea of choosing to stay confronted in conversations about race – or other challenging topics – be helpful this week?
This Week’s Tip:
Notice your avoidance tactics in difficult conversations – especially about race – and choose to stay confronted instead. This will take practice; sometimes a LOT of practice. You might not notice your avoidance tactics at first, but over time they will become obvious to you. Do you attempt to change the direction of the conversation? Shut it down? Avoid it with busyness or urgent needs? Minimize it by saying it’s not relevant to the issue at hand? Use ‘thought stoppers’ to close the conversation quickly? Whatever tactics are your go-tos, notice them and try taking a breath instead. Maybe there’s a place for you to check your understanding, and then ask an open-ended question. Even if you leave the conversation feeling confronted and unresolved, you may be surprised by how fruitful that conversation will be over time.
Try this out this week, and let us know how it goes! We’d love to hear from you.
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Building Bridges Leadership 