Formal, structured conversations have a particular feeling unlike any other. Think of job interviews. How many have you been a part of – either as the interviewee or one of the interviewers? Remember the tension in the air? The desire to impress? The fear of screwing up?
Role-plays are a regular feature of my executive coaching work, as we practice difficult conversations. One observation that comes up again and again from participants is that it feels nerve-wracking to practice in a group setting; they want to use the conversational framework we’ve provided, but any practice conversation can feel challenging in its own right. Even with the “judgement free zone” guidelines we set up, it can be hard to follow a framework while speaking authentically.
When this comes up, I often liken practicing conversations to learning to play a piece of music – the more you practice the piece as its written, the more relaxed you’ll become, and the more comfortable you’ll feel in adding solos, vamping on one piece, and maybe even skipping straight to the chorus. In other words, you’ll find out what works for you in any given situation, and make it your own. But in order to add a great solo to a piece of music you first have to know the structure of the music, and before that, you need to know how to play the instrument, and that starts with basic sounds, scales, etc. It’s these basic components we practice, so it’s no wonder it doesn’t sound like Prince’s solo on The Beatles’ While My Guitar Gently Weeps at the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame (if you’ve never seen it, stop reading and watch it now – it’s worth six minutes of your time).
I recently heard from a hiring manager who talked about the worst interview he’d ever conducted. The candidate had come highly recommended, but was so nervous during the interview that they could barely communicate, “like a deer in the headlights.” But the referral source was so strong in their recommendation that the manager – with some trepidation – moved forward with an offer. Within six months the new hire was one of the company’s top performers. Interviews, like role-plays or standardized test, are unnatural situations that some people excel in and some find extremely challenging. But that doesn’t mean they won’t excel in the job they’re interviewing for!
Of course, it’s easier to see someone’s strengths through a bad interview if they come recommended through a source you trust – depending on the situation, this could be seen as nepotism. And it’s easier to see who a person really is when you spend time with them in a variety of settings over a long period of time (one reason Zohran Mamdani has been so appealing in his campaign for Mayor of New York City, perhaps). The key is to look for everyone’s authentic self, through the ‘stage show facade’ that life brings, whether that’s job interviews, role-plays, or the myriad of semi-scripted actions we go through on a daily basis. Seeing someone’s authentic self through the invisible challenges each person is facing in their daily life is a never-finished task, but if it enables us to see past difficulties and help people into situations where they’ll excel, it’s a never-finished task worth taking on.
This Week’s Tip:
Keep faith in authenticity, and be on the lookout for potential and promise: Make a conscious effort to see past people’s challenges, even if they appear as faults that affect you negatively. Choose to be curious, and ask open-ended wondering questions – to yourself, if not to them. Look for moments of authenticity and realness in others; the kinds of things they reveal when they feel most comfortable, and don’t feel like they’re on show. Make a concerted effort to notice potential and promise – the diamonds in the rough. If you’re interviewing this week, consider that the interview is just one of many components of a candidate’s qualities – look beyond the interviews too. And if you have interactions with people that leave you feeling angry or upset, consider that you don’t know the invisible challenges they are facing, and practice wondering what those challenges might be; you may find that empathy helps to relieve your anger!
Try this out this week, and let us know how it goes – we’d love to hear from you.
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Building Bridges Leadership 