How many times have you sat with someone face-to-face – maybe with a desk between you – to have a challenging conversation? For many of us, the answer might be in the hundreds, or even thousands. Perhaps you’re someone who handles difficult conversations with ease – through a combination of training and real-life experience, you know how to have these conversations in a way that leaves both parties satisfied in a path forward. But for many of us, we lie awake at night, worrying about how such a conversation might go, role-playing in our head different scenarios (hopefully you’re also role-playing the conversation out loud too – with a trusted colleague or even just with your plants!). But no matter how much we think otherwise, it’s easy to default to an us vs. them mentality.
Twenty-plus years ago I served the role of Lead Facilitator at an experiential education and youth leadership summer camp, held on college campuses across the US and internationally. Middle and high schoolers would fly in from all over the place to spend ten days on prestigious college campuses, so on day one of each camp, I would introduce the three “Airport Rules” – the rules that were necessary for a safe environment; if anyone (student or staff) broke one of these, they would need to leave the program, and we would bring them to the airport to fly back home (hence the name). This was the most solemn part of the whole ten-day program, but ensuring that everyone agreed to follow these rules meant that we could build a safe space for a wonderful (and often life-changing) program.
Given the gravity, the way I was trained to present the Airport Rules was very deliberate. And the two times that I was involved in enforcing the Airport Rules and removing a student from camp, it was just as deliberate. The Airport Rules were always the “third party” that we – staff and students – faced together. When introducing the idea, the Airport Rules were written on a flip-chart sign in the camp’s main room where most activities were held, and I stood amongst the students, facing the same way they were, facing the sign as I talked about the rules. Similarly, when discussing it with students in a smaller setting, we had them printed out on an 8.5 x 11 sheet, and we sat side-by-side as we looked at them together. This didn’t mean that we didn’t also talk to – and look at – each other; but we were sending subtle signals that opened communication, rather than shut it down.
This matches a suggestion by Chad Littlefield, co-founder of We and Me, Inc. (who created the popular We! Connect cards you may have encountered before) on the Vertical Playpen podcast about “Connection before Content.” In what might seem so obvious once you hear it, Littlefield suggests a very simple physical action to take when beginning a difficult conversation: sit side-by-side with the person. And if side-by-side isn’t possible (or just doesn’t seem feasible), then sit at 90 degrees with them. In any case, avoid sitting opposite whenever possible. Sitting opposite – especially with a desk in between – automatically sets up opposition (again, it seems obvious when you connect the words), and enforces a power structure that isn’t always conducive to solving problems or building relationship. Sitting alongside suggests that you’re working together on something; it eliminates unnecessary hurdles to solutions and suggests to you both that you are heading in the same direction. Similar to matching and mirroring, such a simple move can send subtle messages to the brain that can disarm the person you’re with, and make your discussion more productive. (I find that quite often when I’m in a situation where I’m facing someone, I’ll unconsciously start to turn my chair to face sideways a little, and within moments they do the same!)
Such physical impact is more challenging in a work environment, but there are things you can do to set up more of the feeling of working through something together. In particular, looking at a shared screen, or working on a whiteboard together enable it to be less oppositional, and more collaborative.
This week’s tip:
In a situation where you would usually sit opposite someone, try sitting alongside. You might try this first in a social situation, but then also in a one-on-one work meeting. If you hold authority in the meeting, suggest meeting in a new environment (over coffee or ice cream) instead of the usual office environment; use that to sit differently. Years ago we suggested choosing a different seat than you would usually pick in a group meeting (or even around the lunch table); use this opportunity to do the same in a one-on-one setting, and see what happens as a result. Similarly, if most of your one-on-one check-ins are remote, try some new techniques to make it more collaborative.
Try this out this week, and let us know how it goes. We’d love to hear from you!
You can subscribe to our feed here, or sign up for our weekly newsletter to get these articles directly in your inbox.
Building Bridges Leadership 